What We Wish We Knew Before Our First Placement
Posted by Jean Martinez | 5/12/2025
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But nothing—not even the best checklist—can fully prepare you for the moment a child walks through your door carrying everything they’ve ever known in a black trash bag.
In our case, that child was twelve—and a student in my neighboring classroom. Her time with us was hard. Jumping into parenting with a preteen is ROUGH! But it really wasn't until our second placement that we really started to learn what fostering was about and were stretched as foster parents but more so, as humans.
1. The Call Will Come at the Least Convenient Time
Our second call came in the middle of a workday. Taylor couldn't leave work. I was battling a migraine, while trying to teach 36 seventh graders through a computer screen. The call was for not only one but TWO children, a brother/sister pair. They needed to be placed within the next two hours. We still said yes.
It was surreal meeting them for the first time. Here’s the thing: it’s almost never “the perfect time.” We thought we’d have more notice, more time to emotionally prepare. But foster care moves fast, because the need is urgent. There’s grief in that reality—and privilege in being the one with the choice.
What helped us most in those early moments was saying, “We’ll figure it out one hour at a time.” And we did.
2. You Can’t Prepare Your Way Out of Being Human
We read every book on trauma-informed parenting. And yet, when the littles ones screamed for three hours straight the first night, none of that theory felt accessible.
We forgot everything except: stay calm, stay close.
Later, we realized that we didn’t fail by not handling things perfectly. We were just... human. And that was okay.
What kids in care need most isn’t perfect parents—it’s safe ones. Predictable ones. Ones who keep showing up, even when they don’t have the answers.
3. Your Heart Will Break in Ways That Matter
Loving someone you've never met before takes you by surprise. The stakes feel higher. The grief more layered. We knew reunification was the goal. We said it out loud often. But that didn’t stop us from falling in love with the children who would eventually leave.
Loving deeply and letting go—it’s one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. But we don’t regret a single second of that love. Not one.
If you’re fostering, you will get your heart broken. And honestly? That’s not a flaw in the system. It’s the cost of loving well.
4. You Will Make Mistakes—and Grow From Them
We’ve said the wrong things, pushed too hard, missed cues, gotten defensive. We’ve also learned to apologize—to kids, caseworkers, even to each other.
Foster parenting will stretch every muscle you didn’t know you had: humility, flexibility, curiosity, grace.
You won’t do it perfectly. That’s not the goal. The goal is to keep learning.
Fostering, as parenting in general, is a great stressor on any relationship. Taylor and I have grown so much as couple, gained much depth in our relationship, and learned how to communicate better with each other. It is through fostering that we have been pushed to dive deeper into ourselves, our own stories, and had to pursue our own healing in order to support each other and our foster placements better. The hardest part and the best part all in one.
5. Goodbyes Are Not the End of the Story
When our second placement left, we felt like we were unraveling. The silence in our house was deafening. We questioned if we could keep doing this.
And love, we’ve learned, doesn’t always need to be witnessed to be real.
6. Find Your People—Now
We thought we’d lean mostly on family. In reality, it was a mix of friends, neighbors, other foster parents, and even strangers online who became lifelines.
You’ll need people who can drop off dinner, listen without judgment, and remind you that you’re doing enough—even on the days it doesn’t feel like it.
Say YES to help. Ask for more than you’re comfortable with. You were never meant to do this alone.
7. There Will Be Joy—Real, Soul-Filling Joy
Those moments don’t cancel out the hard. But they’re real. And they’re worth holding on to.
Final Thoughts
We didn’t know how much this journey would ask of us. We also didn’t know how much it would give us: deeper empathy, unshakable resilience, unexpected laughter, and a wider understanding of family.
If you're at the beginning of this road, we see you. If you're wondering if you're ready—you’re probably more ready than you think. Not because you have it all figured out, but because you care enough to ask the hard questions.
Keep showing up. Keep learning. Keep loving.
With you in this,
Jean and Family
Foster Parents, Humans, Always Learning
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